Was It All Worth It?

I got a letter from the government today. I've been getting them for a while, but this one has special significance. Just recently I confirmed that despite all odds, each one of the six remaining classes I need to graduate is offered next semester, and with very little time overlap as well. I still have to take the GWPE (Graduate Writing Proficiency Exam), and of course I still have to take each course and worry about keeping up my GPA, but passing them is not a concern. I now have no reason to be concerned that I might not graduate in May. This brings with it a huge list of concerns, but it's also very heartening, and I'm quite relieved. I'm particularly enjoying the thought of no longer having to fill out a FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). (Basically it's a form where you have to prove how much money you have, so they know how little to loan you.)

The letter I got today was just a statement of how much money I owe in federal loans. I'm not going to take any more loans, so this is it--essentially, this is the bill for five years of college. It comes out to just about $20,000.

I don't really have a framework to understand that amount. It's not horribly much, I suppose... in fact I think it's about average. It could have been more. I guess I won't really know until I find a job, and discover just how much I can expect to pay per month, and how much I'll be making. It's good to have an amount, though. And it'll be even better to have a degree. It's all coming to a close.

Jumping to Conclusions

Just a moment ago I was kind of frazzled. I was handing in the first assignment in Calculus, and it was almost painfully easy--just a single problem, that required nothing more complicated than an application of the Pythagorean theorem. In fact as I was writing it, the math teachers from my past were chiding me in my head that I wasn't "showing my work". The paper looked awfully bare... but there was nothing to show, really. There was no work involved. But the professor rejected the assignment as I was handing it in, saying that I should have written out the question (it was a word problem, by the way, three or four sentences of text describing a single equation), and I shouldn't have written it in pen, and that she would give me a low grade for that reason if I handed it in as-is.

As I was walking out of class, I was feeling kind of upset by this, and briefly considered writing a three-page essay with nested footnotes describing in all possible detail (and then some) the thought processes that went on behind the solving of this problem. In the end all I did was write a blog post about professors who value style over substance--or perhaps are unable to appreciate substance without the proper style. And as I was typing away on my laptop, the professor walked up to me out of the blue, and apologized. She said that she was just trying to set an example, more for the other students than for me (because she had been my precalc teacher and she knew that I wasn't at the same level as most of the other students), and that what seems silly now is necessary to get coherent assignments back from the class when the problems started getting harder.

Needless to say I was mollified, and as I thought about it more I realized that I had noticed that earlier in class the professor was kind of put-off by the questions that other students asked, and the deep lack of understanding thereby revealed. Her response as I tried to turn in the assignment was likely colored by some amount of frustration, and frankly the paper looked pretty desolate. So, once again, I'm simply trying to get through the day, and I nevertheless find myself thrown on an emotional rollercoaster, and learning a valuable lesson besides. And there's a little synchronicity thrown in to take the point home.

The post I started writing was titled "little tyrants". I thought that I remembered the phrase from somewhere, and I decided to look it up to give proper credit, or at least not mangle the original intent of the phrase. I never found out where it came from, but the first Google search that came up was a conservative echo chamber. Please read the post--it's short, and your eyes won't melt a whole lot. Here's the key phrase:

"I am not willing to assume the presence of facts not in evidence that would have recast their behavior in an acceptable light."

This phrase struck a chord with me, because I've known for a long time that this position is thoroughly inadvisable. This particular event was just one in a long string of experiences which taught me the importance of reserving judgement. It's very easy to hear about a situation, or even be in one, and think you know all the facts. If you look at the other side of an issue, there is almost always more information that you weren't aware of. It's very easy to be convinced of something if you're entirely unaware of the facts of the other side. And once you're convinced of something, it's just one small step away from rejecting contradictory evidence, and then you have a feedback loop.

Open your mind from the start, and do your darndest to keep it that way. It needs the fresh air.

Fair Warning?

This popped up on the "Student Center" website recently. I understand where they're coming from, but the last sentence really gets me.

Important Student Fee Information

The CSU makes every effort to keep student costs to a minimum. Fees listed in published schedules or student accounts may need to be increased when public funding is inadequate. Therefore, CSU must reserve the right, even after initial fee payments are made, to increase or modify any listed fees, without notice, until the date when instruction for a particular semester or quarter has begun. All CSU listed fees should be regarded as estimates that are subject to change upon approval by The Board of Trustees.

Back to Work

I have been working this whole time (well, except last week), even though I've kept pretty quiet about it on the blogging front. I think it's about time for an update.

The DynamixelNetwork code is just about finished. That is, it feels very well-rounded, it's densely-commented, and it'll do everything we need it to do. (In fact I think there's now more comments in it than actual code... but I did it for Doxygen, so that you don't even have to open the source code now to find out everything you need to know about it.) There are still one or two problems with it--a couple obscure functions of the servos aren't yet supported, and the latency is pretty high--which I'm hoping to get the chance to iron out before I leave, but I still think it's a nice bit of code, and better than anything else available for Linux for these servos. I hope the university will choose a license for it soon, so I can post a link. It's my first real contribution to the "open-source community", and hopefully not the last. I hope it gets a good response.

On the robot front, I'm making good progress writing the pan-tilt unit module to integrate into the software framework. That's kind of minimal, though--just a bit of code to accept and send messages, which talks to the servos with my library. I've also been tasked with designing the hardware for the robot body... somehow. Heh. When I first got here I started in on the pan-tilt unit, and I had never designed hardware before. What I'm doing isn't really too complicated, it's just a bit of CAD... but I had never done it before, and I didn't have any idea where to start. I did it, though, and it was pretty fun. It turns out that by doing that, I became the most experienced person on the team when it came to hardware. So I was the natural choice to design everything else.

I'm not complaining, though. I'm learning some valuable new skills, and I do like to tinker with gadgets every now and then. It's staves off the drudgery of programming 24/7, and I'm getting better at it, too. So on Tuesday I'm going to take the robot apart again, pull off a few things, walk to the workshop with an armful of aluminum, and slap it all together. Fun times.

I'm leaving Germany on the 12th of August. That means I've got three weeks left to finish up. If I finish the hardware next week, I should be able to get the software wrapped up before I leave. It's really strange to be leaving so soon. Three months isn't really much time at all. It's okay, though--it wasn't long enough to get overly attached to the place, but it was long enough to get a whole lot of stuff done, and get some memorable moments in there, too. I'm not really excited about jumping right back into school again, though...

Students

Recently I've been in Heidelberg for a meeting of all the RISE students in Germany. And I have to say, it feels like I'm a high school student again. I'm surrounded by stereotypical examples of my age group, universities are vying for my attention, and we're all being herded extremely inefficiently to our crowded rooms, halfhearted events, and cheap food. That sounds very negative, but it wasn't entirely intentional... that really is a pretty accurate description of what happens when one tries to wrangle students. But it's not all bad. Thursday was fun--I saw one or two graduate programs that looked intriguing, and it was nice to feel wanted again. But today was kind of a dud. You see, this program generally caters to the hard sciences, such as biology, chemistry, and particularly engineering. The reasons for this are obvious--the grant money comes from the German government and various German industries, and they are all interested in gaining the most profitable talent for their country/company. There were a few computer science opportunities grouped under "software engineering", and I snuck in on one of those, but today when we did our company visits, I was lumped in with the engineering group. We went to visit Bosch, where we saw an assembly line making fuel injectors, and we also visited the Porsche museum. I got the feeling the engineers were happy enough, but I was bored out of my mind.

Afterwards we went to a dinner, which was nothing special... had some good conversations and okay food, at least. But then, as students do, we all got separated and wandered around the city looking for bars. Our group wound up fragmenting and reforming in some very organic ways, and the entire time everyone was talking intently about where to go, without any decisions being reached. It was my intent from the very beginning to simply find the next bus back to the youth hostel, and I was merely following the other students because I thought, naively, that the general direction of the group might head that way. I was right, as it turned out, but it took almost two hours, and meanwhile I was treated to an endless monologue about every aspect of getting shitfaced drunk for as cheap as possible. (It wasn't just one person, but I hesitate to use the word "dialogue", because everyone just seemed to be shouting into the crowd and waiting for an echo to come back on a close enough subject to continue the "conversation". Amoebalogue, maybe?)

I'd like the emphasize that this... there, now I'm hesitating to even use the word "activity"... that this state of being was not restricted to the hours after dinner and before breakfast. Every waking hour I have been with these students has been the same loop playing over and over. Usually in the same order, too: how drunk we were last night... how drunk we're going to be tonight... how we can get as drunk as possible for as cheap as possible... how hung over we're going to be tomorrow morning. The different hours of the day are like the different states of matter--different behaviors emerge, and reactions are different, but in the end it's all just a bunch of atoms. Or, in this case, alcohols.

To summarize... this trip has been alright, except for all the students. And I am looking forward to having a nice restful Sunday.

Update: The last day was very similar to the second--the tour (this time of the castle overlooking Heidelberg) was quite boring to me, and when it was all over it just sort of... ended. We got together for a group picture, everyone applauded, and then the huge lump of 300 students slowly dissolved into the city. There was one thing that helped a bit, though. The "debriefing" on Saturday morning consisted mostly of a summary of how things went, and a lot of talking about how we were less rowdy than the previous group, and about how difficult it was for them to organize all of this. (Apparently they've only had like two full-time staff members organizing everything and answering emails for the last three months or so.) It may not sound like much of a motivational speech, but it was very humanizing. I think it really did a lot to prevent us from walking away griping about how shoddily this was all planned.

Theis Schmesis

For about a year now I've been actively contemplating graduate school. I'm getting my Bachelor's degree (barring misfortune) in just two more semesters. After that, the rules go away. Oh, they've been fading for a while, and college has been a great way to gradually transition into the concept of actual responsibility. But up to now I've always had a pretty well-defined "roadmap" for success. Every year a new class, every week a new assignment, every summer a few grades and a long vacation. This pattern has structured my years for literally my entire life--I can't remember a time when I wasn't in school. And it's been something of a crutch, too, at least for me. I crave structure. I fear making decisions. And although I've had to make a few vague choices about my future when applying to college, choosing my major, and taking classes, in one year I'm about to fall out of the structured, comfortable, predictable, guaranteed, reliable system, and into... what? Whatever it is, the transition isn't going to be structured, and it isn't guaranteed to be smooth.

So for about a year I've been contemplating the steep cliff in front of me. And I can see two options: get a job (career?), or go to graduate school. (I can't help but notice here that I've implicitly defined failure as "not an option". I wonder if I'll be chuckling about this in 12 months...) And I'm really not very familiar with either of them. I'm afraid that at some level the primary reason I want to go to graduate school is just to stay within a structured system--if true, I would consider that a "wrong reason", perhaps even a character flaw. But I can't tell if it's true. What I can say is that the thing that frightens me most about graduate school is the concept of the Thesis. And despite the two rambling introductory paragraphs, that's actually what I started this post intending to talk about.

You see, the Thesis scares me. But it just occurred to me that I don't know why. I hardly even know what it is! I suspect that all this "thinking about my future" that I've been doing has been nothing more than rehashing the precious little I know about what my future could be, rather than going out and actually researching what it would be like. My concept of a Thesis was only vaguely defined as being something along the lines of a 100+ page paper. I doubt anyone really enjoys writing papers, and in many cases it's been nothing more than drudgery. What's more, the drudgery has been directly linked to the length of the paper. Strangely enough, it only just occurred to me to look behind the mere stimulus-response of this learned aversion to paper writing, and figure out what was causing it. It's not all that surprising when looked at carefully: When taking six classes a semester, there's only so much time/effort/interest one can put into each class. And the greater the amount of work that an individual professor assigns, the more strained that already-small amount of time/effort/interet becomes. The result is often a whole lot of disingenuous boilerplate, which can quickly sour the entire paper-writing process.

But is a thesis different? I never asked myself that question before, but I think the answer is yes. I love to learn, and I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that having only one thing to learn at once, instead of seven, might make a huge difference in my motivation level. So far, in the last few weeks, I've been working on this code almost nonstop--partially because I don't have anything else to do with my free time, but also because I really am interested in improving it. I think this is a good sign, because hopefully this will be similar to what I could be employed to do... but something tells me that I might be better served by staying in a university setting, where I'd have more freedom to choose a topic to learn about, and spend my time producing knowledge, rather than being heavily focused on producing a product. Maybe the thesis is just an extension of this concept--I could learn and learn to my heart's content, and the "proof" of that learning, in the form of expounding on the topic at length in a paper (and in a verbal defense), would come naturally.

This gives me hope. But I have to make sure I'm not forgetting any key details... like teaching classes. Is that an inherent part of graduate school? I'll have to do some more research...

(Word to the wise: In case you couldn't tell, the verbosity of this post (both in length of individual words and number of words written) is a dead giveaway that I'm writing this post at or around midnight, frantically typing out a half-formed idea before I fall asleep and forget it entirely. I suspect that's the entire point of blogging, but I just thought I should warn you nonetheless. Hmm. Maybe I should just put that in my profile and save time.)

What I'm Doing Here

I'm here in Koblenz working with the Arbeitsgruppe Aktives Sehen (AGAS)--the active vision team. In a word, I'm working with robots. Right now I'm involved with the Robbie 13 project, which is the 13th iteration (in as many semesters) of a robot that is by now quite adept at fulfilling its duties--namely, to autonomously navigate a simulated "disaster area", map the area, and find "victims" (heat sources). Robbie has been very successful at past competitions, participating in the RoboCup Rescue League. I won't go too far into detail, but there's a lot more information at the website if you're interested. Now, though, Robbie is being groomed to take part in a different competition, the SICK Robot Day. Unfortunately the description is all in German, but I'll summarize the basic competition. The robot will be placed in a large oblong arena with obstacles scattered about, and 9 signposts clearly labeled 1-9. The robot's task is to navigate to each of the signposts in order (naturally, it has to read the numbers itself), while avoiding the obstacles as well as a second robot doing the same task in the opposite order. A collision with the other robot will mean disqualification, but the final judge of success is speed. It sounds pretty challenging, but a lot of Robbie's existing capabilities are well-suited to this task. In fact, except for the lack of image recognition (to read the numbers) and weatherproofing (this competition will take place outside, rain or shine) he's almost got everything he needs right now. But of course there is always room for improvement, and we've got until September to make him ready.

Unfortunately I'll only be here until mid-August, so I won't get to see the little guy compete. Currently my task is to build a pan-tilt unit to integrate the new laser range finder. Robbie already has one of these, and it's an indispensable part of his operation--it scans a wide radius in 2 dimensions to sense walls, and it's hooked up to a little servo which allows it to scan up and down to get a 3-D snapshot, mostly for identifying inaccessible areas ("rough terrain"). It's just a little tiny one, though, and now we've got a big heavy-duty new one--the SICK S300. It's actually quite portable compared to most LRFs, but it still weighs more than a kilogram, so just sticking it on top of a servo won't quite work. That's what I'm here for. Although I've never done any CAD before, I jumped in feet-first and over the past week I made a pretty good, basic schematic for an aluminum bracket to hold the LRF. Once the servos get here, I can take a few final measurements, get the design finalize, and then find out if the thing works at all, but for now I'm working on the software to control the servos. It's been a long time since I've done any object-oriented programming, so once again I'm really learning on the job. Overall, though, I think I can get this all finished in just another week or so. I hope so, anyway--this is interesting work, but I'd like to get this finished and start on another project before I go. I'm particularly hoping to have a crack at the higher-level designing... actually contributing to the intelligence of the robot. Anyway, I'll keep you posted!

Hello Internet

I will be blogging for you today. Let me introduce myself--my name is Thomas Foss, and I'm a California college student currently interning at the University of Koblenz in Germany. I figured this was as good a time as ever to start a blog, because it seems like I might actually have something to talk about for a few months. So, glad to make your acquaintance... now let's get started.